In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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