Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
