I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
