Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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