i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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