thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
