maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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