Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
