My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize