Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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