she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
it's not cheating when I paid for it
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
