So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize