I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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