worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
