i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just forgot I was standing up.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm having to shit out rocks
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