While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
