they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
