I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
