is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
