my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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