his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
