: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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