everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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