just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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