I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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