Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
