Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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