Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Randomize
