how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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