alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
