When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
