he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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