News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
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