I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You're a disaster
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