I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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