You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
