oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
