Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
