Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
