To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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