So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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