I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
