I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
