Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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