What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
