why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
