so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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