Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
