Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
