I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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