So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
