OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
