Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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