And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
