i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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