She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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