During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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