Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just threw up on my dentist
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
